literature

Ch.5.0.1 The Last Adventure?

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That weekend Max searched all over the Internet for information of his lost friend. He found nothing, and eventually gave up. He went all around the town in search of any information, asking people, looking at bulletins, old news articles, and found nothing. He started to head for the gas station, where all of his friends and he would meet and talk about information they found that day. He was taking a shortcut when he found Zach, standing there. Zach pulled up his hand, and looked at a watch.

"About time." Zach said coolly.

"YOU!" Max yelled, with a fist raised, for he had left his house without his weapon. Zach blocked the punch, then punched Max on the other side. Max fell to a knee, "What do you want from me!" Max screamed. Zach unsheathed his sword Pain, and gave it to Max.

"Happy late birthday, but that’s not what I wanted. I found the note in the park, and created my own, which is the one you read. The place she is hiding, you'll never find her, I'll leave it up to you when you want to quit." Zach said. He turned his back, but then he threw the sword Pain's sheath on the ground, then walked off. Max quickly picked it up, then sheathed it. Why is Zach so nice lately? Max thought. He walked into the gas station and saw his friends: Dagger, Tim, Bastran, and Bacpac Boy. Max nodded.

"Wait, I'm going to get some food and a pop." Max said. He walked to the soda, and picked up a Mountain Dew Voltage, then picked up a personal pizza, then walked towards the table.

"So," Max said, "Dagger you start, and we just go clockwise."

Dagger nodded, then said, "Well, you guys know that I checked every park, and asked questions to everyone there, but I got no answers, but then Zach showed up, and he told me, 'Your friend is in such an obvious place, you'll never find her.'" Everyone nodded and talked for a moment of what it meant.

When it got quite again Tim started talking, "I work here, but I did ask everyone about her, and got nothing but, 'No.' but Zach walked in, bought a N.O.S energy drink then walked up to me, he said..." Tim looked around, then turned to a whisper, "'...She isn't in America.'" Everyone looked astonished at the news. NOT IN AMERICA! Max thought, almost screaming.
"How do we know we can trust Zach though, he has always been an enemy." Dagger said. Then Max realized why Zach gave him the sword Pain, as a sign of trust. Max unsheathed it and put it on the table.

"Zach gave me this, and didn't attack me at all." Max said. They looked at the sword and saw Z.A.C.H on the hilt, they all gasped.
      
"I walked around the allies," Bastran said, "I found old newspapers, but nothing of superior significance, hey, did you know that one of our presidents was Jewish!" Max, and everybody else looked at her.

"Right..." Bastran said, "But this Zach character walked up to me and said, 'Not in an area of cold, but not in an area of extreme heat.'" Everybody looked around, confused.

Bacpac Boy went next, "I checked the school, her lockers..." he paused as everybody looked at him, "For notes! but anyways, I went into the gym, to our lab, and saw Zach standing there, arms crossed, he said, 'About time, She is in a place very far from where you are.' and then he disappeared." They all looked at each other, and nodded, still wondering where she could be. They all turned to Max, Max blushed, but turned his head so they wouldn't see it.

"Other than giving me Pain, his sword he said, 'the place she is hiding, you'll never find her, I'll leave it up to you when you want to quit.'" Max said. Bastran then started rummaging around her backpack for something, and then she looked up.

"Does anyone have a map?" she asked. Max, gave her a map he had, but he wiped his hands from eating the personal pizza. Bastran then took out a sharpie, and uncapped it.

"Not here," she said, and crossed off Africa, "Not here," she said, and crossed out Antarctica, "and not here." she said, crossing out the Americas.

"Why not Australia?" Dagger asked.

Bastran grinned, "Australia is a obvious place where she might be, Dagger." They all nodded, and headed for home, starting the last week of school, and almost beginning their search. When Max entered the English room the next day, he was prepared.

"This is the ending of my story, Spring Break was interesting, it all started with an E-Mail from my Adventure Headquarters..."
      
The final bell rang for school. Spring Break was here, Max sprinted to his locker, and went down his elevator into a cave underneath the school where he and his friends hang out. Max went to the computer and checked his email. The first one he checked was from Tasha.
      
Dearest Max,
      
I miss you so much; I can't wait until next year where we can see each other everyday.
      
Love, Tasha

      
Max replied, not a long one, but it was to the point. He continued down the page, and saw one who was from the H/Q/B. Max opened it instantly.
      
 Agent Max,
      
We have heard that a monster from Marshmallow City will be unleashed on March 17, it is aimed to attack DA, the person is unknown. The cave it is in at the current moment is called Lucky Cave. It is a maze in there, be careful, but it also has many unseen treasures in there. Your task is to stop the monster, and take whatever you want.
      
From,
H/Q/B

      
Max was getting ready to leave when his friends all come busting in.

"Hey Max, where are you going?" TJT asked. Max pointed to the computer monitor.

"Your traveling all the way to Florida!?" TJT exclaimed.

Max shook his head, "Look down."

TJT did, "I see, well if one friend is involved, then all of us are!"

Dagger nodded, "I wouldn't pass up an adventure like that!"

Bacpac Boy looked, "Lucky Cave... There is a lot of treasure there!"

Bastran looked at it and nodded, "Sounds like a big monster, you could use all the help you can get." They all went into the gym and into the secret lab of the evil principal, and looked for Marshmallow City.

"Hey, it is in the middle of a forest in South Dakota." Dagger said.

"Which forest?" Max asked. "Er..."

Dagger started, "I-I-I-I-It’s...." he stuttered, shaking.

"Where?" Max asked again.

"It's in the lost forest." Dagger said. Horror showed up in the eyes of everyone, but Max.

"What's the lost forest?" Max asked.

"It's a forest that people enter, but they can never leave." Dagger replied.

"Someone had to leave it has been dubbed the lost forest." Max retorted.

"Max, we can't get to the center at all." TJT explained.

Max shrugged, "There is always time for a first." They all looked at him like if he was crazy.

"We've been through worse!" Max said.

"Like when?" Bacpac Boy asked, eyes glinting as if he had caught Max lying.

"Simple, remember that moment when we fought that giant robot called Sol?" Max replied. TJT nodded, as she moved her hand over the hilt on her sword. They all nodded, and got ready. Max picked up his sword ,Twin Blade, and got on his Extreme Gear. Bacpac boy was riding on an Extreme Gear also. Dagger was on TJT, who was flying, and Bastran was on an Extreme Gear.

"Hey, we might need an extra hand." TJT said before leaving.

Max nodded, "I'll call Boom." Boom got there, and Max filled him in.

Boom jumped up and down excitedly; "Finally something interesting!" he started run towards Alliance. They all went to the City of Alliance, which was a city that was a neutral city during the Antro-Human War. They stopped for gas for the Extreme Gear and also for some food.

"So where is this Lost Forest?" Max asked.

TJT looked up, "It's in the middle of South Dakota, finding it is easy, but getting out, or getting into the middle is going to be difficult."

Max nodded, "Well if we find the forest tonight, the sooner we can find this City, Cave, and slay the monster." His friends all looked up, they understood, and nodded. They left the gas station, got on the Extreme gear, or for TJT and Dagger, too the air, and headed north, towards South Dakota.
      
Max shuffled, then took a couple of steps, "We continued into the different state, still looking for the forest and the city, we found them both, and a new friend..."
      
Max flew up, against the trees of the mountains of South Dakota and did some tricks as the stopped at the edge of a forest.

"This is it?" Bastran asked.

"Yup, I know where the center is, but it becomes shrouded in mist when you try to dive into it, we must go by foot." TJT said. Max nodded, and got of his extreme gear, and put it into his backpack. He took a step towards the forest when a blue blur came out of nowhere, and it made Max take a step back. Boom jumped up and down, full of glee.

"See guys, I told you Sonic would help!" The Blue Blur went onto a tree, and was in front of the sun, making it hard for Max and his friends to see it.

"Me, Sonic!" the blur laughed. It jumped down in front of everybody, showing them that it was a male Hydrii.

"Step a side, we have to..." Max started.

"Have to get to Marshmallow City so you can see Lucky Cave, no I know why your here." the Hydrii said.

"We have to slay a monster in Lucky Cave." TJT said.

The Hydrii took a step forward, "Slay what beast of Marshmallow City?" he asked.

"I received an email that there is a monster in Marshmallow City, and it will be unleashed this Wednesday to attack DA." Max growled.

"I know if there is a monster or not, I am the protector of Marshmallow City!" the Hydrii stated coldly.

"You have to trust me." Max begged. The Hydrii looked at Max, and almost said no.

He looked away, "Alright, but I will escort you through the cave then." Max smiled, he got him.

"Who are you?" Bastran asked.

The Hydrii laughed, "I told the story of why I was here, but didn't introduce myself..." he laughed some more, "I'm Hauntzor!"

"Hauntzor, well could I just call you Haunt?" Max asked. Hauntzor nodded.

"Well I take it you're born in this city?" Dagger asked. Hauntzor nodded.

"Will you take us there?" TJT asked. Hauntzor nodded. "Can I call you Zor?" Bastran asked. Hauntzor nodded.

"Are you gay?" Bacpac Boy asked. Hauntzor shook his head. Hauntzor walked into the forest.

"You'll have to follow me very carefully, it is a set path to enter and exit." Hauntzor whispered. They started following Hauntzor into the forest.

"Be careful there are a lot of monsters here if you don't be quite." Hauntzor whispered.

Bastran leaned over to Max and whispered, "Zor is a cooler nickname."

Max looked at Bastran, "Haunt is coolest!"

"Zor." Bastran whispered.

"Haunt." Max whispered.

"Zor." Bastran whispered.

"Haunt." Max balled his fists.

"Zor!" Bastran said.

"HAUNT!" Max yelled.

Hauntzor looked at Max; "Be quite, the monsters...." a roar went though the forest, as a winged beast flew down.
      
Max shuddered before he started speaking again. "The beast looked like a dragon, but it was actually one of the legendary Marshmallow Beasts..."
      
Max pointed at the monster, it was orange with black stripes on it.

"Is that one of the monsters your talking about?" Max asked Hauntzor.

"I think so, I've only seen two of them though." he replied. The beast pulled out a dagger; it was curved like a crescent moon.

"I was sent here to kill you Max, and kill your friends!" It shrieked. It flew towards Max, who was quick enough to pull out his sword and defend himself. Dagger pulled out his lucky two daggers, and ran towards the monster. When the Monster was distracted Max jumped at it from behind, but it quickly slammed Max into a tree with it's tail, causing Max to drop his sword.

"Watch as your friends die in front of you!" it laughed. TJT drew her own sword, and flew towards the monster. Hydrii's Tongue... Max thought, That sword I haven't seen be used since we fought the giant robot called Sol. Hauntzor drew his own sword also, and ran towards the monster. When it was distracted, again, Max got out of the pressure of the beasts tail, picked up Twin Blade and jumped on the monster from behind. From there, Max proceeded to stab the monster in the back. The Monster howled then fell over.

"Max..." it coughed, "Max, come closer..." Max walked towards the monster Twin Blade ready to cut its head off if it attacked.

"When searching for a clue, near the Amazon river, don't listen to the voice, and don't go into the tree..." it said, "Take the crescent moon dagger..." it was holding up the dagger it attacked Max with.

"Now there are two of them, give it to your closest friend..." it started to fade away.

"Was that a Marshmallow Beast?" Max asked Hauntzor.

"I don't know anymore Max, I don't know." Hauntzor replied, shuddering. They started walking down the forest, following Hauntzor very closely. Max was looking around, wanting to find more Marshmallow Beasts. They walked what felt like to Max five miles when the forest got thicker.

"Haunt," Max asked, "Do you know where we are?" 
Comments16
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versailles6's avatar
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

I see where you're tyrying to go with the story, and I get that. But I think the transition from the first few chapters to the real intense action/adventure portion of the novel need to be cleaned up. For one, we need to be absolutely clear on what their goal is. They're going to find Max's friend, yes? Well who is this friend? Why do we care that they're missing? I assumed TJT would be the one missing, but then she shows up to help...find herself? Hmm. If there's some sort of time lapse I'm unsure of it, and I don't know that one would actually function in this scenario.

Also, be wary of throwing in serious pieces of information that have no support foundation. Like the "Adventure Headquarters". It randomly makes an appearance all the way in chapter five, and I don't think any of the characters so much as mentioned it prior to. Adding in things like that makes the story seem really forced and wonky. Even if you're doing magical or fantastic elements, it has to be believable or your readers will just get ticked. That's why it's always good to map out what is and is not possible right from the get go.

Another thing, I think Zach's motivations really neemed to be made known to readers. It's sort of cool that he's "helping" them, supposedly. But I don't know that I'm really buying the whole bad-guy-gone-good in the span of two sentences thing.

allies
*alleys

"Other than giving me Pain, his sword
*by now you don’t have to keep repeating that Pain is the sword, just call it “Pain” or “the sword”

it all started with an E-Mail from my Adventure Headquarters
*e-mail
*I don’t think that chapter five is a good place for us to be first learning about the “Adventure Headquarters”, seems extremely contrived.

and saw one who was from
*saw one from

"Hey Max, where are you going?" TJT asked. Max pointed to the computer monitor.
*I thought TJT was the friend that was missing? I’m really confused.

lost forest
*if this is its proper name, it should be capitalized

They all looked at him like if he was crazy
*like he was crazy

Extreme Gear
*what is an extreme gear?

he started run towards Alliance
*to run

City, Cave
*these don’t need to be capitalized

Step a side
*aside

here if you don't be quite."
*quiet

"Be quite, the monsters
*quiet